Mental Health

Mental health is something that should be talked about openly. I am well aware that in most communities there is a stigma surrounding mental health. 

As many of you know that I have battled with my mental health for a while now. Just last month I reached out to my healthcare insurance to seek more help for myself because I felt that I needed more help than just medication. 

I have been speaking with a psychologist for the past weeks. I have learned that the people in my life affect my mental health. 

What  I would like people in my life, family, and friends to understand is that what happens in my relationship with each and everyone affects me mentally. I am sure that I don't need to mention that as a human race we are social creatures. 

Those of you that don't understand I am a person that enjoys being around others and when is comes to a romantic dating relationship you would that that I would shy away from dating because of what I witness between or because of my disability, NEWS FLASH!!! we all deserve to be HAPPY.  

One thing that I have just learn in the last two days is that if you are the only one working on your friendship or relationship you have to ask yourself if the other person wants and is showing interest in you and your life if the answer is no then its time to let go.

Dating and religion

This is something that I have been dealing with lately. I have been told that your dating relationship should glorify God and there are some boundaries that God gives his people.

  Spiritual  Relationship Principle  

• Be considerate of one another. Do not be a stumbling block 1 corinthians 10:32-33
• Go on dates with doubles; home before midnight; Dress appropriately
• Be absolutely pure -Ephesians 5:3/ 1 Timothy 5:2 
• Get Advice- Proverbs 19:2/19:20   

  Here is something that I want you to think about this as you are reading this most person with a disability get help from the government so along with that comes some guidelines that we have to adhere to when working in order to keep out finical and health befits giving to us by the government. Now I know most of you know but if you don't I am a woman who is physically disabled. I have been disabled my whole life. I have always believed and still do believe in God. I am currently in a dating relationship with a man who is also physically disabled. Now you all are wondering why am mentioning this?  Before I have people commenting and saying that there is no exception to what parts of God's instructions I as his daughter shouldn't follow. I want you all to keep in mind that no two walks with God would look the same. Now for those of you who don't have anyone in your life with a physical disability life can be more challenging. I have been blessed in the sense that I am mentally able to learn and think for myself and the same for my boyfriend.  Now to give you a bit a background Me and my boyfriend meet in college, we dated one year and then took a break for a year because he wanted to grow spiritually which happen in 2017 Then a year later he decides to ask me to be his girlfriend again in 2018. We have now been disciples for three years and we have been dating while being followers of Jesus for two years. I have the desire to someday be married.    

What  I struggle with when it comes to my faith and my dating relationship is that I have been told by other believers is that before my dating relationship moves to the next stages is that there needs to be finical stability which I understand why is said but I also wish the actual reality of what my life is like is taking into account. It is a challenge to get employed but, that doesn't mean that I stop looking for a job. I have been told that I am not able to drive so that means that I would have to use public transportation to get around. I wonder how is that someone who has a physical disability gets finical stable. when we are looked we are atomically judged just on our physical appearance and not given a chance to showcase our skills?  

 

Dating

Dating someone else who is disabled is a breath of fresh air for me. I don't have to hide my struggles with them. This new guy who is dating is amazing to start off him and I do go to church together which for me is something that I can admire because not only can I developed a physical dating relationship but we can also grow together spiritually. He most of the time keeps a smile on my face. We often get stared at just because of our physical appearance. It does drive me crazy most of the time but at the end of the day, he makes me happy. I love being around him. He is a lot more reserved then I am. I firmly believe that God brought us together for a reason. when he told me about his past I cried. Every time we are together I just want to be there for him as much as he allows me to be. I do see a future with him despite what everyone thinks.

As everyone knows dating is difficult, now trying to see for a person was a disability. I can say that one of the biggest fears of mine is someone going to want to be with me because they feel bad for me. 

Part One of my spiritual life

It is never easy to not be hurt by others actions and words.  I think that the closer someone is to you or the more you allow someone into you life the more chances they are given to hurt you.
 Depending  on lifestyle and personal beliefs that is the way you are going to view and go through hard times. I know for me  I could easily let my emotions drive my mental state. Over the last year I have been challenge spiritually.

As long as I can remember  religion was introduce to me by my grandparents on both side of my family. I found myself just going with the flow not going against anything that I was being taught in the various  "churches" that I  was being taken to because of course as a child we are taught to obey our parents or anyone who is older than us. I notice that what we were being taught in Church was not being applied in real life so I  thought that "Hey can go to church and still be the same person.

When I came into my late teenage years. I felt like something was missing  in my life so I ask my neighbor if I could go to church with her and then I became a member of the church. Month later I ask the pastor of the church If she would do me the honor of baptize me.
   
So weeks later I was baptize.

Revealing pain beginning

When you spend time alone you think of life.
I find it hard not to think of the reality of what my life is. I know it is difficult for those around me to fully understand what I try my best to explain with out making it sound like I want pity. The simple fact is that I try my best to develop friendship between myself and others I don't let people in. The reason why is because I have so many scars from everything I have been through. The few people who are close to me know all my battles.

Outcast

It it very rare when people are honest with me. I feel like am losing honest friendship. Am often told that am to emotional and am to over dramatic.

Here is a tip for everyone people with disabilities are part of society to. Don't treat us like we don't matter. If you don't know how to interact with people who have disabilities Don't be sacred to ask questions.

Evening prayer

God I know it's late but I know you always listening I first want to thank for the blessings that you given me as well as my spiritual family. I lift up all my sisters to you please help them find comfort in you and your word. Keep all my spiritual family as well as my physical family in your loving arms. I hope that my grandpa and dad are proud of the women am becoming. Continue to soften Pedro heart gentle reminder him that regardless of what anyone says or does you are the only one who has the last saying.
                                    Amen

Morning Prayer

God, I come to you to ask that you give all your daughters any blessing you deem appropriate for them at this point in their life. I ask that you help me not to be afraid to let my spiritual sisters see my raw heart for what it actually is. Help my recovery from any misunderstanding or hurt that I may have caused to a sister or brother. I also pray that you open the minds of those that want to get to know you. God, I pray for my brothers that you help them to be the best sons for you. Please give Pedro the mental and emotional strength to go through any hardship that he may be facing. As for my brother, Jay reminds him that you will guide him to the place where you have set for him that only he can fill.

My current Reality

I have noticed that for most people that have given me advice have tried their best to understand but the reality is that they don't fully understand. When I just think about the journey I have taken I can't help but let the tears flow, for those of you who don't know they are more than welcome to read past blogs.

Me unmasked

Sometimes I just think I need to take a step back and just look at everything that I been through. I have people questioning my spiritual life. People worship god different. I hope and pray that god keeps people that mean a lot to me in my life. I have never been one to hold back my feelings. But, these past couple of months have been so painful and I have just been going through the motions of everything. God has blessed me with a loving heart. It has been broken. God please help me be the best version of me I can be.

Tough to understand

It has been a while since I have written anything. Right now I am feeling different emotions. The main two are hurt and confused. I was baptize last year in August. Along with the happiest of that I tried to tell myself that I was ok with the way things ended with my romantic relationship but the reality is that I wasn't. I dealt with it the best way I could and after a while I was ok. Every one in my spiritual family kept saying that I just need to be patient. Which has been a true test for me. I know for most people in my spiritual family it's not easy to understand why it seems like am putting a person before God. All I have ever done is be the caring and loving person god bless me to be. As for the romantic relationship I feel like I have to hide how I feel because no one understands. Dating is different for me cause of my disability and now my faith. I think to myself am I going to be good enough for a future husband. I do have faith in God I always have. Is it bad that I want a relationship?

my soul broken in two.

God, I come to you with my soul broken in two. I always wonder what you have planned for me?  You know why my heart aches for the lost of a romantic love that felt like you created it just for me. It has been a struggle for me to not have a heavy heart when it comes to Pedro. I beg that you help me not to feel sad.

Rough

It has been one up hill battle for me this past of couple weeks.  I have acted like I am doing ok but deep inside I am torn to a million of pieces. I often wonder where did I go wrong?  I can't change the way I feel. I am learning that everyone is selfish. Is it time for me to be that way?  I have always wonder why has God kept me on this earth if I am not helping those he has placed in my path? 

Happiness

In life there are times when you come across people that see you for who you really are. If someone comes to you and opens their heart to you allow yourself the opportunity to see what that person has to offer to you and also what you can offer to them. Never deny yourself happiness. One of my favorite saying is “some people come into your life for a short time others come into your life to stay forever.” So many people I have come into contact with have walked out of my life but, I can honestly say that those that have stayed I am grateful for them.  I am so grateful for the changes that have taken place in my life this year. I have met this amazing person that has captured my heart. I am excited to see where god leads me to next and I would like to see who will be by my side in my next chapter. 

Spiritual connection

As I gone along the path of life I have learn that love and sadness are two major emotions. I am a frim believe everything happens for a reason and God has a purpose for everything he has done in my life. As I go into a new chapter in my life I hope and prayer that my hevenly farther  slowly repairs any broken hearts and as always I ask that you keep those over seas safe

Change

As many know living with a disablilty is not easy. My last two years have not been easy they have been filled with changes. I moved to a new city. I have lost family but I have kept my goals in mind I have moved forward with my education. I continue to educate others about disability. I have an amazing relationship. I will keep on my path and see where it leds to.

Loving someone

Loving someone is never easy but if you are willing to love them despite their flows that is honest love. I can say that I have given my heart and soul in my last relationship  I was happy with this person. I wish him the best of luck of in his new  relationship. I can't help it but be hurt because I give this person my all. Six years of my life we had plan a feature together but i guess that is no more. Will ever really get over any of this? This guy has no idea how much he has hurt me and I don't think he ever will. i never thought i will hurt this much again I did once after a two year relationship ended and know I feel the exact pain all over again. God I  hope you can guide me through this and heal my broken soul.   

How can I emotional detach myself ?

In life  we go through hard times. One question that I ask myself is why is it so hard for people to treat me like a human? I feel like out cast with in my family. The one person that I though was my soul mate has left so broken that it kills me to know that he never really loved me. It kills me more knowing that is willing to love and see me happy but all of the pain that I have been through is keeping me from allowing someone new to love me. I guess god has a reason for allowing us to go through certain situations. I just hope that as time passes I can move pass all this emotion pain and be happy again,

Sadness

Love is a strong emotion so is sadness. When the two mix together you don't know what to do. I always wonder why the important people in my life leave. I often cry cause I don't like loosing those close to my heart. Only God knows why these people are doing this to me.
  I try my best to not let it affected me but it is hard when you feel like that person was meant to be apart of your life for ever. What do you do when someone continues to came in out of your life? I wish I had an answered but I don't.

Enough pain

When do you know when a relationship or a friendship is over??? I don't think anyone really has an answer to this question. In relationship there are a few lines that should not be crossed. Once they are crossed and damage is done it is going to take a good while for that damage to be repaired. Other time you just need to let that person  go because they might of been meant to be in your life for a short time. Never given them one  ounce of satisfaction. I just want to thank those who have stood by me through my hard times. It's time for me to move on.